Divorce is a major societal issue these days. For decades, researchers have been reporting that roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce. That fluctuates somewhat and it is actually lower now than it was in the 1980s. This may be misleading though, as that figure doesn’t take into account the number of couples who live together for years, without ever getting married.
An even more startling conclusion from these researchers is that they claim that the divorce rate is higher in the church, than for those who are not part of any organized religion. Once again, this doesn’t take into account the number of people who live together, without marrying, something that is much more likely to happen outside the church, than inside. Christian couples who intend to stay together almost always get married. When and if they do get divorced, it skews the statistics.
There is no question that divorce in the church is a sticky question, one that many churches struggle to answer. Some churches and even whole denominations take a strong stand against divorce, saying that it is not permissible for Christians to divorce under any circumstances. What then of an abusive marriage; is the abused partner required to remain in that situation? Is divorce, even in those circumstances, really the ‘unforgivable sin’ that some say it is?
This stance against divorce creates even bigger questions for those churches when members go against the teachings of their church and go through with a divorce. How does the church respond to that? What do they do when a divorced member wants to remarry? Does the Bible provide clear guidance on this difficult issue? If so, how do we fit that guidance in with the culture we are living in, where divorce is so prominent.
One of the “tests” that the Pharisees used to try to trap Jesus was about divorce, asking Him, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?” (Matthew 19:3).
And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh?’ 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” – Matthew 19:4-6
Jesus took a strong stand against divorce in this passage, making it clear that divorce has never been God’s will. The marriage relationship, as Jesus explains it, is a spiritual one, in which God joins the spirits of the man and woman together, making them “one flesh.” He ends by saying something we include in our wedding ceremonies, “What God has joined together, let no man put asunder.”
This response doesn’t satisfy the Pharisees, who come back to Him, questioning Him with what Moses had said in the Law, the ultimate authority to the Jews.
They said to Him, “Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?” – Matthew 19:7
This makes reference to a passage in the first four verses of Deuteronomy, chapter 24, where Moses talked about divorce. Taking the entirety of the passage, it is clear that the subject which Moses was talking about was whether a man could remarry a woman, after divorcing her. It isn’t a command to divorce, as they said; but can be seen as implied permission to divorce. Jesus clarifies this to the Pharisees.
He said to them, “Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. 9 And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” – Matthew 19:8-9
It is this passage which people quote, using it to say that divorce is sin. Taken literally, it isn’t the divorce which Jesus is saying is a sin, but rather remarrying, as that causes people to commit the sin of adultery. At the same time, Jesus provides a loophole, which makes divorce and even remarriage permissible.
How Sexual Immorality Affects Divorce
Contained within that discourse, Jesus names an acceptable reason for divorce and remarriage, that of “sexual immorality.” The question then seems to be, just what is sexual immorality? The King James version of the Bible uses the word “fornication” here.
To many people, this term means adultery and nothing more. But the Greek word used in this verse is porneia (Strong’s word G4203), the same word which is the root of our word “pornography.” It literally means any and all kinds of sexual and sexually related sin, including adultery, fornication, incest, masturbation, homosexuality, bestiality, and pornography. Yet that is not all we can say about this word. In Matthew, chapter 5, Jesus said:
You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:27-28
So, why is this significant? Because in this verse, Jesus is equating thoughts with actions. Those who think about committing sexual sin have already committed that sexual sin in their hearts and are therefore guilty of that sin. When we connect that to the earlier passage about sexual immorality being a cause for divorce, it becomes clear that porneia can mean sexual sin that is not only committed, but contemplated in the heart. That would include fantasizing about committing sexual acts with someone other than one’s spouse.
This wider understanding of Jesus’ definition of sexual immorality changes how we view divorce. Just as any other biblical principle, we have to take all of scripture into account, not just one verse. Therefore, it appears that Jesus said that divorce in the case of any sexual sin is acceptable.
But what about remarriage?
Sexual Intimacy is a Covenant Act
Before talking about remarriage, we need to establish the proper foundation for why sexual immorality is so closely linked to the marriage relationship. We all understand that it is, but why? Why, of all the creatures that God created, are we so strongly motivated by sex?
We find God creating the marriage relationship at the end of the account:
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. – Genesis 2:24-25
They were “joined together.” While there are many different ways that this can be taken, it at least implies sexual intimacy. When coupled together with verse 25, which talks about them being naked and not ashamed, the implication becomes stronger. Quite literally, sexual intimacy is what creates the one flesh relationship that is being referred to here. Put another way, sexual intimacy is what makes a couple married.
We can even see this happening biologically. There is a hormone in all our bodies, called oxytocin. It is released into our bodies through physical contact with other people, especially intimate contact. Like all hormones, not only does it have a chemical purpose in our reproductive systems, it also has an impact on our emotions. In the case of oxytocin, that impact is to create the feeling of being “in love” with that other person. In other words, sexual intimacy bonds us together as one, through the activation of oxytocin in our bodies.
As we already saw, Jesus said that it was never God’s intent for couples to divorce, but Moses allowed it due to the hardness of their hearts. That’s because marriage and the sexual intimacy that makes it a marriage, are intended to be permanent. It is a covenant relationship, created for our benefit. There are several reasons for this, but one of the most basic is that children need both a mother and a father, throughout their entire life, especially as they are growing up.
Sexual Sin and the Covenant
Throughout the Bible, God makes it clear that sexual infidelity is wrong. That is because of it being a covenant act and therefore reserved to that specific covenant. God is not against sex; He is just against sex outside the marriage relationship.
Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled; but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge. – Hebrews 13:4 KJV
There is probably no verse in the Bible which makes this clearer than this one in the Epistle to the Hebrews. All within marriage and involving the marriage bed is honorable; but once we leave that marriage bed, we have defiled the marriage covenant and are subject to the judgment of God.
The idea behind remarriage causing adultery is based on the understanding that marriage is a covenant act. As such, to marry another is to break that covenant. But, when a married person commits sexual immorality, they have broken that covenant. Any broken covenant cannot continue to stand. It is rendered useless and can be considered to be null and void. In other words, the person who committed the sexual immorality broke the covenant, so the remaining partner cannot.
I’m talking about something called “covenant law” here, an underlying principle for the Bible, which most people are unaware of. But God calls himself a God of Covenant, and everything He does in the Bible shows Him in that light.
This may seem like a technical point, but it makes a difference who filed for divorce. If someone files for divorce and then remarries, they are committing adultery, because the covenant with their first spouse still stands. They break the covenant by remarrying. On the other hand, if one partner commits adultery or any other sexual sin, they have already broken the covenant, so the other partner if freed from the covenant. If they remarry, it is not adultery, because they were not in covenant with anyone at the time they remarried.
Is There Any Other Acceptable Reason for Divorce?
Not only did Jesus speak on divorce but Paul did so also. In his first book to the Corinthians, he deals with the subject of divorce, specifically dealing with a marriage between a believer and an unbeliever. He starts out by confirming what Jesus had said to the Pharisees:
Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. 11 But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. – 1 Corinthians 10-11
That’s pretty simple – stay married. But Paul doesn’t stop there; he goes on to deal with a more difficult situation, talking about how to deal with an unbelieving spouse:
But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother (believer in Christ) has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. 13 And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him… 15 But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. – 1 Corinthians 7:12-13, 15
The first two verses there simply state that if a believer is married to an unbeliever and the unbeliever is willing to stay married to them, then stay together; don’t divorce. It is verse 15 that is the most interesting, as in it Paul instructs the believing spouse to allow the unbeliever to leave, if they decide that’s what they want to do. Obviously, this doesn’t mean that the believer has permission to drive out the unbeliever, by making life miserable for them; but if they choose to leave on their own, allow them to go.
In that case, Paul said that the believing brother or sister is not under bondage. They are set free. How can that be?
One way to look at that is to take into account that in every ancient culture that made covenant agreements, there were always three parties to the agreement; the two people, families or groups that wanted to enter into the covenant and their god. If they did not believe in the same god, then it would not be possible for them to enter into a covenant.
In the case of a Christian married to an unbeliever, how can there be a covenant; they don’t believe in the same God? So, even though they had a wedding ceremony and even committed the covenant act of sexual intimacy, there is no covenant. Should the unbeliever decide to leave, they are setting the believer free.
Another way to look at this is that if an unbeliever leaves, they are likely going to commit some sexual act with someone else. So, even if there is a covenant, it would then be broken, setting the believing spouse free.
Part of the problem here is defining who is a believer and who isn’t. According to scripture, we are not to judge others. Besides, there is no way of looking inside the heart of another person, to determine if they are truly a believer. If there was, then maybe there wouldn’t be so many women who were tricked into marrying a man who pretended to be a believer, but really wasn’t.
All we can do is accept what others say about themselves, while looking at the fruit of their lives. Believers should show the fruit of becoming more Christ-like as they grow in Him. That should be especially obvious in our spouse, as we see them every day. Any change that God is bringing about in them should be obvious, if we are willing to look for it. But if we are prejudiced against our own spouse, deciding we know all there is to know about them, then we will not see it.
What About Remarriage Being a Sin?
We have seen two biblical grounds for divorce: in the case of sexual infidelity of any sort and in the case that one is married to an unbelieving spouse, who decides to leave. In either case, the spouse who has been left is free to remarry, according to the Bible.
Even so, there are many in the church who still act as if the divorced person who remarries is committing the unforgivable sin. This attitude goes so far that there are societies in which it is more acceptable in their church for such a couple to live together, without remarrying, than it is for them to marry. How do we deal with that?
There is no such thing in the Bible as an “unforgivable sin,” other than the sin of blaspheming the Holy Spirit. This is mentioned several times in the New Testament, with the most relevant reference being Jesus speaking in the Gospel of Matthew.
Therefore I say to you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven men. 32 Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him; but whoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come. – Matthew 12:31-32
Leaving aside what blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is, which is something that theologians and scholars can’t agree on, this passage makes it clear that nothing other than blasphemy of the Holy Spirit is an unforgivable sin. Put in the context of what we are talking about, that means that even if remarrying causes one to commit the sin of adultery, then God can and will forgive that sin.
But how do we receive that forgiveness?
If we divorced and/or remarried before accepting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, then we receive forgiveness as part of our salvation. All sins committed up to that point in our lives are covered by the blood of Jesus, on the cross, over 2,000 years ago.
But what if we are divorced after already becoming a believer in Jesus Christ? Is that sin automatically forgiven or do we need to carry it for the rest of our lives? No to both. Rather, we need to repent of our sin and ask God for forgiveness.
If we confess our sins, He (God)3 is faithful and just to forgive our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1 John 1:9
Yes, God forgives all sins, for those who ask in faith, with a heart of repentance. This does not mean that we should divorce with the idea that God will forgive, as that is not His intent. Doing so shows that we are not actually repentant, but only looking for a “loophole” to use. Confession of our sins means that we discover that we have sinned and then confess that sin to God. Don’t think that it is impossible to hide premeditated sin from Him. He always knows.
His willingness to forgive means that any of us who are divorced can go to Him, seeking forgiveness, so that we may once again marry, enjoying a life together as husband and wife. God created us for that relationship, just as He created us to be in relationship with Him. So, for whatever reason one might find themselves divorced, all they need to do is go to God and ask forgiveness, before going on with their life.