When we look around us, the “norm” we see is adult men and women coming together as couples. As we go through puberty and enter into our teen years, we tend to become interested in members of the opposite sex. Seeing others pairing up, we desire to do so as well.
Yet even with this natural inclination to find a mate and spend our lives together, there are an awful lot of people around who never seem to have found that one person to join together with for the rest of their lives. Some marry whoever they can, more out of desperation, than true love, and either end up miserable or divorced. Others remain single, waiting for the “right one” to come along. This makes us wonder, just what is right for these people. Are they truly to remain single… or is there some other reason why they aren’t married yet?
The institution of marriage can be attributed to God Himself. When He created Adam and Eve, back in the Garden of Eden, the Bible tells us that He did so, so that they could be together. The woman was created to be a helpmeet for the man (Genesis 2:18), and the two were to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
That verse has an interesting way of describing the marriage relationship, saying that the man shall “cleave” to his wife. In other words, he sticks to her like they are glued together. If that is the intention, then it would seem that finding the right person to cleave to is important, as it would be extremely hard to cleave to the wrong person; such as one that you can’t come into agreement with.
One thing that is often overlooked is that God first created Adam single. During the time he was single he named the animals and did other important work in the Garden, including maintaining his personal relationship with God. It was God who decided that Adam needed a helpmeet, not Adam. God provided that helpmeet, in the form of a woman, because God knew what was best for Adam. So, we can see God’s blessing in his life both through being single and through being married. We can also see problems in his life through being married and being single. That makes it seem that neither is better.
Mistaken Ideas
One thing that gets in the way of people getting married is that all too many of us have the wrong ideas about marriage. We get married to someone, thinking that we are “in love,” when what we really are is in lust. The type of love we feel for that other person isn’t love as the Bible describes it. Rather, it’s about what that person does for us and how they make us feel.
Love suffers long (is patient) and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up (pride); 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own (self-centeredness), is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
Men and women marry for different reasons; but in both cases, it’s about receiving something from that other person. The funny thing is, what we expect to receive from them isn’t what God created them to be. Women want a romantic man; but God has created that man to be a protector and provider. When he comes home and gives her his paycheck, she feels defrauded, because she thought marriage would be all about romantic interludes with him. Men marry for sex, more than anything else; feeling defrauded when she isn’t as sexual as she was while they were dating, because she’s focused on making a good home for them. She was created to be a nurturer and that’s what she does. Sex is incidental in her mind, even though it isn’t in his.
The other mistaken idea that many have, going into marriage, is that they expect that other person to make them happy. I have to report to you, that there isn’t a single verse in the Bible which says that your spouse is responsible for making you happy. That’s between you and God. If you’re fortunate, you’ll marry someone who makes you happy more than they make you unhappy; but don’t think that they’ll never make you unhappy at all.
More than anything, that person you marry is there to make you more complete; to fill in areas where you are weak. Sometimes they are able to do that because that’s a strong area for them. Other times they help push us to become stronger in areas where we are weak. In either case, it is for your benefit, even if it isn’t for your enjoyment.
But nothing is going to happen, if all your expectations are for someone else to become the right person and you ignore your own responsibility.
Becoming the Right Person
While there is a lot of focus on finding that “right” person to be your spouse, there is less attention paid to becoming the right person yourself. Could it be that many of us who are having trouble finding our mate, are having that trouble because we aren’t ready ourselves?
A lot of men are looking for the perfect woman, something like a Barbie doll. Considering that Barbie’s dimensions are physically impossible, without extensive surgery, they’re going to have trouble finding her. Nevertheless, they aren’t becoming “Ken” so Barbie will be interested. They don’t have a good job, aren’t responsible with money and don’t have enough to buy a house. Some don’t even know how to treat women well, but try to use them instead. In other words, they’re not taking on the responsibilities associated with being a good husband.
At the same time, there are a lot of women out there, who are looking for Ken, while ignoring that they aren’t Barbie. They want to marry a millionaire, so that they don’t have to work, but they aren’t bringing much value to the table. I’m not just talking about physical beauty here, because that physical beauty fades; but someone that a millionaire would see as a good partner for life.
We all need to put in the necessary effort, working together with the Holy Spirit, to become more like Christ, so that we can be the person that we need to be in our marriage. It is only when we do that, becoming the “right person,” that we can expect the “right person” to show up in our lives.
Is Singleness a Curse?
We must realize that being single is not a curse, even if that’s not what we want for our lives. When we marry, that other person puts demands on our lives, taking our time and energy. Some people resent that, especially when they find out that their partner seems to take more than they give.
If you think about it, we all start out life single. While many or even most of us end up married, that doesn’t happen the same way or at the same time in life. I’ve personally known people who got married as soon as they were legally old enough to do so and I’ve known others who didn’t get married until they were 50 years old. None of us walk through life on the same path, even if we are destined to arrive at the same journey’s end (heaven or hell).
The Apostle Paul is believed to have been single, based on his own testimony in Scripture. He considered his singleness a blessing and gave good reason for that viewpoint.
“For I wish that all men where even as I myself (single)1. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain as I am. – 1 Corinthians 7:7-8
Obviously, there is a bit of hyperbole in Paul’s statement there, for if all people were single, then the human race would die out. That wasn’t Paul’s desire; he was merely using that statement to give emphasis to the advantages that he saw in being single; something that we don’t easily see. Yet Paul embarrassed his singleness for the ability that it gave him to serve the Lord.
Paul recognizes his own singleness as a gift, while recognizing that not everyone is given that same gift. As we continue through the chapter, we see him say, “but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Corinthians 7:9). Paul never desired that anyone be put in a position where they would be tempted to sin, even if being in that position gives them some other advantage.
So, just what is this advantage? It is the ability to serve God with all your heart, mind, strength, and time. married people can’t do that; because life puts other demands on them. We see this mentioned later on in the chapter.
But I want you to be without care. He who is unmarried cares for the things of the Lord – how he may please the Lord. 33 But he who is married cares about the things of the world – how he may please his wife. – 1 Corinthians 7:32-33
So, from the viewpoint of serving the Lord, being single is truly a blessing. Paul makes that imminently clear in these verses. Even so, we must strike the balance between what these verses say and what is said earlier on in the chapter. It is wrong to build any doctrine on something we read in Scripture, while ignoring the rest of the teachings of the Bible. That’s where false doctrine comes from.
Is Singleness God’s Will for My Life?
This may seem like I’m trying to say that remaining single is God’s will for your life. I’m not saying that at all. Paul himself said that being single is a gift and that it is a gift that not all people have. At the same time, Paul gives the instruction that only those who have the gift of celibacy should remain single. So, the question is – do you have that gift? If not, then your goal should not be to remain single.
On the other hand, if you do have the gift of celibacy, then you need to ask God in prayer whether you should be looking for a spouse or embracing your gift. Please note though, when I use the word “celibacy,” I’m talking about much more than sex. While sexual intercourse is what is normally understood by that word, we need to broaden our understanding to include having an intimate emotional connection with another person. If God Himself doesn’t fulfill that role for you, then you probably haven’t been given that gift.
Ultimately, we all need to ask God for ourselves, to reveal His will in our own personal lives. Asking someone else to ask God for you is dangerous, as they might very well give you their own opinion or desire. How can you be sure that they will hear God clearly; or if they do, that they will convey that message to you clearly? Yes, we ask our spiritual leaders for wisdom; but that’s not the same as asking them for a direct word from God.
Neither singleness or marriage is a curse. Either can be a blessing. Much of whether it is a blessing or not depends on our own personal attitude. If our attitude is negative, we will see everything wrong, longing for our situation to change. But if we have a positive attitude, we will see the good in our situation and take advantage of it. The question then becomes, which will you do?