Someone once said, “In five years, you’ll be the same person you are today, except for the people you meet and the books you read.” I’m not sure they got it all there, as the experiences we have are an important factor as well; but there’s no doubt that the relationships we allow in our lives, and especially those who are closest to us, have a major impact on who we become and what we do. The closer the relationship, the more the impact.
This is true no matter who we are or what we believe. The people we associate with change our world view and our beliefs. If you don’t believe me, just look at what happens to college students, when they go away to school. Many come back home with totally different beliefs, which were given to them by their peers and especially their professors.
The Influence of Poor Associations
This is so important, that the Apostle Paul admonished the Corinthian church against being around those evil companions. Obviously, the church in Corinth had a problem with people the unbelievers in the city negatively affecting their faith and their walk.
Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” – 1 Corinthians 15:33
The real beauty of this verse is that it tells us the reason to avoid evil companions, right in the verse. That is, they will corrupt our habits. But just who are these people that are “evil company” according to the Bible? According to scripture, they are anyone who has not accepted Jesus. We all qualify as evil people and only Jesus in our lives can change that.
There is none righteous, no, not one. – Romans 3:10
If we are not righteous, in and of ourselves, then what makes any of us think that we stand a chance at protecting ourselves from the corrupting influence of those who are more unrighteous than we are? We are clearly better off associating ourselves with people who will have a positive influence on our lives, rather than a negative one.
Boundaries in Non-Romantic Relationships
This is not to say that we shouldn’t have any relationships with people who are not believers. How can we possibly share the gospel with them, if we keep ourselves locked in our own (figurative) enclaves, staying away from those who aren’t like us. We are to be salt and light in this world (Matthew 5:13-16) so that people might “See our good works and glorify our Father in heaven.”
Even so, there’s a huge difference between associating with those who don’t believe the same way that we do and becoming yoked together with them, in any sort of relationship. The more closely our lives are intertwined with theirs, the more of an impact they can and will have on us. That’s why we are told not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 6:14).
So, just what does it mean to be “yoked together” with an unbeliever? It means any sort of emotional, legal or societal relationship which puts you in a position of being dependent on each other. It doesn’t have to be marriage or even a romantic relationship. A business partnership with an unbeliever will make you yoked together with them as much as a marriage will.
In such a situation, the non-believing partner is likely to want to make compromises in their ethics and integrity that the believer shouldn’t. Perhaps that would mean lying to the customers. Or it might mean charging customers for work that didn’t really need to be done. It might mean reusing parts or materials which should actually be replaced. In any of these cases, the customer would be getting less than what they are paying for. That would likely end up damaging the business’ reputation and could lead to further compromises of integrity, damaging the believer’s testimony.
Establishing Boundaries in Such Relationships
There might be times when we are forced to be in such relationships. One such example would be in the case of a business inherited from deceased parents. In that case, clear boundaries will have to be agreed upon from the beginning, establishing not only what you are willing to do, but what you are willing to allow the other owners of the business to do, as that affects you as well.
If such boundaries cannot be agreed upon, the only option available to you is to sell your part of the business. That may be seen as a loss, but it clearly isn’t as big a loss as losing your reputation or integrity. Jesus made this clear, speaking of cutting a hand or foot off, rather than allowing ourselves to be cast into hell.
And if your hand or foot cause you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you. It is better for you to enter into life lame or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the everlasting fire. 9 And if your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you It is better for you to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes, to be cast into hell fire – Matthew 18:8-9, also Matthew 5:30 & Mark 9:43
Allow me to say one more thing here, before we move on. That is that many believers have had the idea that they can in fact maintain a close relationship with unbelievers, allowing them into their lives and thinking that it won’t have a negative impact on them. This sort of thinking is dangerous, as it almost always leads to the believer falling into sin. But before that even happens, it causes the believer to compromise their beliefs and their relationship with the Lord.
What About Boundaries in Romantic Relationships?
The bigger issue for most of us is the boundaries that we need to establish in our romantic relationships. It is extremely difficult to remain sexually pure, when you think you are in love with someone. This struggle is as real for the believer as it is for anyone else. The only real difference is that believers have the commandments of God that they are supposed to live up to, while unbelievers have chosen to reject those very same commands, as they have chosen to reject Christ as their Savior.
The Bible is clear that sex, outside of marriage, is a sin. That goes all the way back to the Old Testament Law and is repeated in the New Testament. These verses are well-enough known that I don’t need to repeat the verses here. What is not as well known is that God is very positive about the sexual relationship, once the couple is married. We see this declared in the book of Hebrews; one of the same verses that tells us that God judges sexual sin outside of marriage.
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. – Hebrews 13:6
If we accept that verse as being authoritative on the subject, and there are plenty more verses which back up the sin side of that, then we need to accept God’s instruction included in that verse and keep ourselves from becoming involved sexually before marriage, even if we intend to marry the person.
We can call that a “line in the sand,” but what does that mean for other affectionate acts which come short of sexual contact? That’s a bit harder to determine, because the Bible doesn’t actually give us clear commandments on what is acceptable and what is not. Jesus gave us some further guidance, stating:
You have heard it said that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.” 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:27-28
This moves the line considerably, if we are honest with ourselves, as it doesn’t take much to cause a man to lust after a woman, especially one that he already has feelings for. Pretty much any physical contact, such as hugging, caressing or kissing is going to arouse sexual desire in him, even if it doesn’t in the woman.
Part of this is pure biology. One of the hormones (literally – sexual chemicals) in both men and women is oxytocin. Less is known about this hormone than the more common testosterone, estrogen and progesterone; but it has been studied in more depth in recent years. One of the things that has been discovered about it, is that it is released in the body through physical contact; those same hugs, caresses and kisses I just mentioned. Like all hormones, this one has an emotional effect; that of making the person who has it released in their system feel as if they are “in love.” Much of the feeling of being in love is actually a biological reaction to the oxytocin in our bodies.
This is more of an issue for men, than it is for women, simply because of the testosterone that is already in the man’s body. When testosterone and oxytocin are mixed, lust is a mild word to describe the result. It takes a great amount of self-control to restrain oneself from sexual activity, especially with the one who one deems themselves in love with.
As an aside, allow me to mention that oxytocin not only has a lot to do with couples falling in love; but also couples falling out of love. When the couple doesn’t have the physical contact that is causing oxytocin to be released in their bodies, they need a deeper, more abounding love to take over. If that love is not there, they are at risk of falling “out of love.”
In addition to the physical/emotional effect of oxytocin and the effect of testosterone on the man, women also have a small amount of testosterone in their bodies. It is released in the woman’s body two days before she ovulates, the most fertile time of her cycle. While only 1/10 the level of testosterone that is normally found in a man’s body, it is sufficient to give her a strong sexual desire as well. If a virgin is going to give away her virginity, this is the one day of the month that she is most likely to do so. That’s why so many young women find themselves getting pregnant the first time they have sex.
How to Deal with All This
What I just described above shows us the reason why it is so important to establish safe boundaries in our relationships. Couples who are dating need to establish these boundaries and commit to them, holding themselves accountable before God to keeping themselves pure.
But just what should those boundaries be? Each couple has to establish them for themselves, but the line in the sand has to be before whatever point would cause one or the other to lust. Truthfully, that means little to no physical contact between the couple, until they are married. That’s hard to maintain, but our ancestors succeeded in doing so for centuries. It has only been in the last century, when morals have declined, where the idea of premarital sex has become so acceptable.
If you are serious about keeping yourself from temptation, then I would recommend seeking assistance from friends and family, especially your parents. In olden times, young couples weren’t allowed to be together, alone, for the sole purpose of eliminating opportunities for them to become involved sexually before their marriage. That might seem old-fashioned, but it works.
The plus side of this, is that it will make for a better marriage, with better sexual satisfaction for both. I have personally counseled couples for decades now, and I can assure you that most women and even some men, who were involved sexually with others, or even just with each other, have struggled with overcoming those relationships, once they got married. If they are honest with themselves, they often say that they wish they had remained pure, so that they could enjoy the fullness of sex, within their marriages.
This idea is usually harder for men to accept, than it is for women, as men generally have a stronger sex drive. But if a man truly loves a woman, he won’t just be thinking of getting sex from her; he’ll be thinking of protecting her heart and ensuring that they are both able to love each other fully and completely, without the guilt of having premarital sex.