There are a lot of things in life, for which the Bible doesn’t actually give us unequivocally clear guidance. While God clearly spells out some things as being sin, especially in the Old Testament Law, he doesn’t spell out everything. This results in two opposing reactions; some take it as permission to do anything the Bible doesn’t specifically prohibit as sin, while others create their own prohibitions, without clear Biblical guidelines to base them on. Neither is correct. We are no more allowed to add commandments to the Bible, than we are to remove them.
Such questions became the fuel for considerable debate amongst the ancient Jewish Rabbis. Many of the key debates are recorded in the pages of what is known as the Talmud. The Talmud is not scripture, but is accepted within the Jewish community with about the same authority as scripture is.
Within the Christian church, we tend to dismiss commandments, especially those which come from the Old Testament Law. This is not actually Biblical, as Jesus Himself told us that the Law would not pass away until all things are fulfilled (Matthew 5:18). That means that the only commandments from the Old Testament that we can legitimately say don’t apply to us today, are those which the New Testament specifically does away with, such as the sacrificial system. We no longer need to offer animal sacrifices, because Jesus became the last sacrifice for all (Hebrews 10:10).
Does the Bible Say Not to Kiss?
There are those who might say that we are not to kiss before marriage; but in actuality, there is no specific commandment in the Bible which says that. Some denominations, especially more legalistic ones may make this prohibition within their denomination. But that’s not the same as the Bible saying that we cannot kiss.
On the other hand, Islam specifically prohibits kissing before marriage. As Muslims don’t use our Bible and we don’t use their Qur’ān, what they do or don’t allow within their belief system, doesn’t have any impact upon our own. We must base our decisions about what is right and wrong on the Bible and nothing else.
What Does this Have to Do with Us Kissing or Not Kissing?
It is clear from the Bible, that God created us as sexual beings. We find that first mentioned in the creation account, where it says “male and female created He them” (Genesis 1:27c). While this verse doesn’t demand that God’s creation have sexual relationships, it clearly implies that we have been created with that as at least one purpose that God had in mind. Other verses in the Bible make it equally clear that God has put severe restrictions on who we are allowed to have those sexual relationships with. One of the greatest and clearest verses about sex is found in the book of Hebrews:
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. – Hebrews 13:4
Here, in one verse, we find God approving the sexual relationship in marriage, while also making it clear that any sexual relationship outside marriage is considered sin; so much so, that He will personally judge those who participate in such activities.
This verse alone doesn’t solve our dilemma though, as it doesn’t specifically speak about kissing. Actually, the few times that the Bible does speak about kissing, it is not speaking about romantic kissing, but rather fraternal kissing; a kiss of greeting, such as Judas Iscariot bestowed on Jesus in the garden (Mark 14:45). As such, the Bible doesn’t give a direct answer to our question. That’s not to say that the Bible has nothing to say about this matter though.
While the Bible doesn’t directly answer our question about kissing, it does give us an indication in Hebrews 13:4, quoted above. But in order to logically deduce the answer, we need first to determine whether kissing is a sexual activity. Everyone is likely to have their own opinion on this, making it difficult to impossible to determine a universal answer that will satisfy everyone.
We can start by placing all potentially sexual activity on a scale. At one end of the scale, we might have holding hands and at the other end we would have sexual intercourse. We already know that sexual intercourse is something limited to the marriage relationship; but we have nothing that says holding hands is limited to marriage, or even that it is considered by anyone to be sexual. All other potentially sexual activities, such as hugging, kissing, fondling and cuddling naked would fall somewhere on that scale, from the least sexual to the most.
There is no need to place those activities on the scale for the sake of our discussion. We merely need the idea that they are there. The idea is that as we go from one end of the scale to the other, we move from the specific activity being plutonic to the activity being sexual. We can further postulate that at some point the activity is actually sexual and therefore limited to the marriage relationship. The question is whether that is before we reach kissing or after?
Sexual Desire and Temptation
A typical romantic relationship is likely to start at the plutonic end of the scale and work its way towards the sexual. How quickly the couple progresses will depend on the individuals and their level of lust or infatuation for each other. It is very likely that one partner’s desire to progress will accelerate more rapidly than the other’s, causing someone to do a mating dance between them, as they seek a level that both are comfortable with.
As a couple progresses, the question that arises, whether it is voiced or not, is “What difference does it make?”
- If we have feelings for each other, what difference does it make if we hold hands?
- If we are already holding hands, what difference does it make if we touch each other tenderly?
- If we are already touching each other tenderly, what difference does it make if we embrace?
- If we’re already hugging, what difference does it make if we kiss?
- If we’re already kissing, what difference does it make if we kiss passionately?
- If we’re already kissing passionately, what difference does it make if the boy grabs the girl’s breast or butt?
- If he’s already grabbing her breasts and butt, what difference does it make it he puts his hands inside her clothing to grab them?
- If he’s already touching her “private parts” inside her clothing, what difference does it make if they are naked together?
- Etc. etc. etc.
This progression may be different for different couples, but the idea is valid nonetheless. At some place along the way, the actions will start to arouse sexual desire in each of them, even if that isn’t at the same rate or the same place for both partners. Kissing may cause sexual desire in one partner, but not the other. It is that sexual desire which is the problem, defining the act as sexual. Jesus said:
You have heard that it was said to those of old, “You shall not commit adultery.” 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:27-28
Kissing can clearly lead to sexual desire, especially in men. In fact, some married women complain that they can’t kiss their husbands, without those husbands becoming sexually aroused and wanting to do something about it. That’s perfectly fine in marriage; but Jesus makes it plain that it is not alright before marriage. Not only that, but He equated such desire with sin, when it takes place outside the marriage relationship.
There’s Safety and Blessing in Not Kissing
It would seem from this alone, that kissing before marriage is something to be avoided. Looking back in history, we find that a considerable amount of effort was expended by society, to protect young couples from themselves, specifically in not allowing them to be alone in a place where they could kiss… or even more.
We see vestiges of this in our marriage ceremony, which typically ends with the minister who is performing the ceremony saying to the groom, “You may kiss your bride.” The original idea was that this was to be the couple’s first kiss. While it is rarely, if ever, the first kiss today, there was a time when that was commonplace. In keeping that first kiss as something to be experienced at the wedding, the couple was at least partially protected from the temptation of falling into sexual sin.
King Solomon provides us with some wisdom on this in one of the least-understood books of the Bible, the Song of Solomon, where we find the poetic verse:
I charge you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or by the does of the field, do not stir up nor awaken love until it pleases. – Song of Solomon 2:7
Due to the poetic nature of this book, it is easy to read this verse without gaining any understanding from it. To gain that understanding, we must look at the overall flow of the story. In doing that, we find that this particular verse is contained within a scene that takes place before the couple is married. They are in a tender, intimate moment, which could easily get out of hand, sexually speaking. In the previous verses, we find that they are lounging together at a banquet and she is “lovesick” (Song of Solomon 2:5); in other words, strongly desiring to receive his love. Adding to that, we find “His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me” (Song of Solomon 2:6). In such an embrace, they could quickly and easily begin kissing, which could lead to other things.
The narrator of the story gives this precautionary advice, in order to stay their hand, before they might fall into sexual sin. Again, there is no specific admonition or commandment against kissing; just a realization of the dangers associated with those kisses. Had they continued, it is likely that they would have consummated their marriage that night, before the wedding could be held.
Later on in the story, we find the wedding night of the same couple. As would be expected, they made love, which is again expressed to us poetically. In the opening of chapter 5, verse 1, the groom declares this, saying, “I have come to my garden, my sister, my spouse…” (Song of Solomon 5:1). But what’s interesting about this verse is how it ends.
The story of Song of Solomon consists of four characters (or groups of characters). There’s the husband, the wife, the “daughters of Jerusalem” who act as narrators of the story, and finally there is God the Father. There’s only one phrase in this book, attributed by Jewish scholars to God and it is found at the end of this same verse, where God says:
Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones! – Song of Solomon 5:1e
That may not make much sense to us, partially because a lot is lost in translating it from the original Hebrew into English. Being poetry, it was difficult to translate. But on top of that, the translators struggled with the idea that God could actually have had something to the couple, which talked about their sexual relationship. Yet Jewish scholars readily accept this book as being in reference to the sexual relationship in marriage and take it as His instruction for that relationship.
While the poetic language used in this verse makes reference to eating and drinking, the correct understanding is that God is applauding the couple for making love on their wedding night. He goes further than that, telling them to “drink deeply”, which obviously is more than mere approval, but is God telling them to enjoy their sexual relationship to the fullest.
Finally, we must realize that our ability to fully enjoy kissing or any other sexual activity in marriage is directly proportional to how much of that activity we have outside of marriage and how many partners we have it with. Although God does not specifically tell us that we can’t kiss before marriage, it is likely His desire that we hold that for marriage, so that we might be able to enjoy kissing, like other intimate activities, to the fullest.