We’ve all heard the term “soulmate” used in casual conversation and talk about relationships. It’s one of those words that everyone thinks they know and even think they know what it means, but nobody can really define it. Rather, people define it; but they each define it in their own way. There is no definitive meaning for soulmate that everyone can agree on. Even dictionaries define it differently, with some definitions being rather benign, speaking about someone who seems like a perfect life partner, and others putting a much more mystical slant on their definition.
The general idea of a soulmate is an attractive one; that one perfect person who will be the perfect compliment to you, making your life complete. It’s no wonder that people talk about searching for their soulmate or talk about someone they have met as possibly being that soulmate. But just talking doesn’t make something true and it especially doesn’t make it a biblical concept. In the realm of dating, when people are blinded by infatuation, it’s doubtful that anyone who is referred to as a soulmate is actually as good as they are described to be.
Actually, the idea of a soulmate, as the world uses it, is not a biblical concept at all. There is only one person who is supposed to make us complete and that’s Jesus Christ. Placing that burden on anyone else is both unfair and unreasonable, as there is nobody in the world who can live up to that expectation; other than the Lord.
For in Him (Christ) dwells all the fullness of the Godhead bodily; 10 and you are complete in Him, who is the head of all principality and power. – Colossians 2:9-10
“You are complete in Him” – Yet the world rejects Jesus, so is unable to see the dichotomy of expecting others to fulfill a role that is reserved for Him. They want what Jesus offers; but without Jesus as part of the package deal. This is mostly due to their belief that Jesus will take something away from them, that they dearly want and think is more important to them, than He could possibly be.
What’s Wrong with Soulmates?
Before we can look at what God says about the ideal person and finding that ideal person, let’s take a quick look at what’s wrong with the world’s concept of a soulmate, other than the soulmate being expected to take a place that’s reserved for Jesus.
First, there’s the problem that none of us really know what we need, when we are dating. Oh, we might have a pretty good idea of what we want; but that’s not the same as what we need. In fact, what we want may very well preclude us finding what we really need.
Let’s look at a couple of examples of that. When guys are dating, they’re focused on how the girl looks. Is she beautiful? Is she sexy? Is she hot? None of those have anything to do with how good a wife and mother she will be. In fact, as any guy who has dated should be able to attest, some of those “hot chicks” can be real brats; self-absorbed and hard to deal with. Flipping to the other side, girls want a guy who’s cute, romantic and attentive. Their innate desire to find a winner might lead them to date the star on the school’s football team. But that guy might not be able to hold down a job, as he’s used to depending on his charm and good looks to get him through life.
Looking a little deeper, wanting a soulmate is very self-centered, as it is all about that other person meeting your emotional needs. That doesn’t necessarily mean that you will reciprocate. In fact, most people who talk about their soulmate never mention anything that they do, to make themselves seem as a perfect mate to that other person. They’re putting an incredible amount of pressure on that other person; pressure that they will be unlikely to be able to hold up under.
As a side issue to that, many people expect their marriage partner to “make them happy.” I ask you, where does it say that in the Bible? We are to get our joy from our relationship with the Lord. If our spouse does something to make us happy, that’s a bonus. But placing the burden of our happiness on their shoulders is totally unfair.
This brings us to another important problem with looking for soulmate. That is, the person looking for a soulmate usually won’t take any responsibility upon themselves. It’s all about the other person and what they do. There’s no impetus in that to improve, becoming the best you, that you can be, meeting their needs and being a blessing to them.
Finally, the whole idea of soulmates is a guaranteed formula for discontent. Since nobody can live up to the pressure of being that perfect mate for another person; there’s a lot of reason for them to eventually give up trying. They might still be a good spouse; but they won’t go overboard trying to make their partner happy.
But even if they don’t reach that point, the person who is calling the other their “soulmate” will eventually find reason to be discontented with them. we can always find someone else out there, who is better than the one we have, in some way or another. Our current spouse, the one who is supposedly our soulmate, may be better overall; but it is easy to focus on that one area that a coworker, neighbor or guy on TV is better than they are. That comparison can end up being enough to destroy the relationship.
Some Surprising Biblical Insight About Marriage
Let’s start off with something difficult. That is, the idea that marriage is for happiness is actually not a biblical idea. There is nothing in the Bible that tells us that we will be happy in marriage or that we have a responsibility to make each other happy. For that matter, there’s nothing in the Bible that says any of us have any right to expect anything out of marriage. It’s as if God has intentionally overlooked what most people think is the most important part of marriage.
On the other hand, the Bible gives us a few basic responsibilities in the marriage relationship. The best known of these is found in Paul’s epistle to the Ephesians.
For the ladies:
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is head of the wife, as also Christ is head of the church; and He is the Savior of the body. 24 Therefore, just as the church is subject to Christ, so let eth wives be to their own husbands in everything. – Ephesians 5:22-24
For the gents:
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, 26 that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, 27 that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. 28 So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. – Ephesians 5:25-28
I find it interesting that both passages make reference to Christ. Wives are told to submit to their husbands, just as they would to Christ and husbands are told to love their wives in the same way that Christ loved the church. If it needs to be said, that doesn’t give men any right to lord over their wives and command that they do anything. Nor does it mean that men are to give their wives romantic love and affection, but rather that they are to give themselves for their wives.
We can gain some real insight here, if we are willing to accept it. That is, marriage isn’t about making anyone happy. It’s about meeting needs in our lives, which can only be met by our husband or wife fulfilling their responsibilities. Our happiness isn’t even mentioned.
Perhaps there is another purpose in marriage, besides our happiness. Perhaps God’s desire is that we help each other become more like Christ, rather than just trying to get our own desires fulfilled. If that’s the case, is there anyone that God could use better to help remake us into the image of Christ, than the person we are married to?
It takes a grinding wheel to sharpen a blade, and so one person sharpens the character of another. – Proverbs 27:17 TPT
Becoming “One Flesh”
The first reference we see to marriage in the Bible is when Adam and Eve come together at the end of the creation account. It is God who brings them together, as He created Eve for Adam. In that verse, it says that they are to become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24).
If there is any relationship in the Bible that can be accurately referred to as “a marriage made in heaven,” “soulmates,” or any of the other terms that people use to try and describe a “perfect marriage,” this would be it. God personally created Eve to be Adam’s wife. It doesn’t get any better than that.
However, there is not one single verse in the bible that tells us how good their marriage was, other than verse 25, which tells us that they were naked together and not embarrassed to be so. Anything else we might try and infer about their marriage relationship would be pure speculation. To say that such and such a verse tells us such and such a thing, would be taking great license with the Word of God.
Nonetheless, there are a couple of things we can see from verse 24, most specifically that they didn’t date; go out, hang out, or anything else before God brought them together to be a married couple. They didn’t know each other and hadn’t even seen each other. Yet they knew they were made to be together. The term that God uses, telling them they are to be “one flesh” is the most intimate possible term that can be used to describe a man and his wife. Somehow, the two of them were to become so close, as to be one.
Adam didn’t say “I’ve found my soulmate.” He said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). Put another way, it’s as if he said, “This is me!” That doesn’t mean that she was already a perfect match for him, as much as it meant that he saw the potential in her to become that perfect match; not because she was “hot” (although she probably was), but because she was like him.
The thing is, the attributes that made Eve who she was exist in every woman that walks the face of the earth. Likewise, the attributes that made Adam who he was exist in every man. So there is the potential between any man and any woman to become one flesh, just as God ordained.
The key here is that the two must put the effort into becoming one flesh, rather than expecting it to happen automatically. Both have to work at it. They shouldn’t be looking at the other to be that perfect match for them; they should each be looking inwardly, at themselves, to see what they can do to become a better spouse. Each and every day, their aim should be to see what they can do, to become more “one flesh” for the person they have married.
The “one flesh” relationship that God created is the true “marriage made in heaven” and it is something available to all. We don’t need a soulmate to find happiness in our marriages; we need to find out how to fit together with the person that we chose to marry. Through that, we will find a much greater blessing than a soulmate that we are very likely to fall out of love with.