The Sexual Revolution that began in the 1960s brought about many changes in society. While there have always been couples who had sex before marriage, it became much more open and acceptable during that time. More than anything, the idea that sex was something exclusive to marriage was broken down, with sexual intimacy becoming a recreational activity between couples dating, rather than any sign of commitment between them. Since sex was taken outside the bounds of the marriage relationship, procreation was no longer a major goal. This led to the famous Supreme Court case of Roe vs. Wade and the legalization of abortion.
Progressives of all sorts have hailed these changes as an indication of human progress. Yet, after thousands of years of human history, in which the norm was for sex to be limited to the marriage relationship, it is only reasonable to question the value of this change and the impact it has had on society.
While not everyone would agree, it is possible to draw a clear line of progression from the sexual revolution of the 60s, to the sexual practices of today, including a rise in homosexual relationships, same sex marriages, people choosing to be “non-binary” and choose their own sexual identity, and the rise of transgenderism. The next apparent stage in this line is the acceptance of pedophilia as a “normal” sexual orientation and even consider it to be good.
At the root of all this is man’s carnal nature, which bridles against anyone telling us what we can and cannot do, including God. Those who don’t believe in Him have no problem rejecting anything He might say on the issue; but there are a growing number of people in the church who are transferring over to this side, thinking that God’s commandments were written for another time and place, so therefore don’t really apply to us today.
Living Together Without Sex
I suppose it is theoretically possible for a couple, defined as one man and one woman, to live together as roommates, with separate bedrooms and no physical contact. But that’s not likely. Even if a couple starts out to do just that, it’s unlikely that the relationship will stay that way. The woman might want it to, but the man won’t. This could lead to him pressuring her to have sex, just as happens in a dating relationship.
Medical studies have shown that men have much more interest in having casual sex with their female friends, than women have in casual sex with their male friends. This isn’t surprising, as men generally have a higher sex drive. However, this sexual desire doesn’t correlate with romantic interest. It’s common knowledge that men are fully capable of having casual sex with women, without any further commitment.
Even if the relationship did manage to remain plutonic, few would believe that it truly is, in today’s society. We have become so accustomed to sex being part of the first date and casual sex, with people getting together just to have sex, without any further relationship, that if a man and woman are seen together, it is pretty much assumed that they are having sex, even if they aren’t.
Yet the Bible admonishes us to avoid not only evil, but the appearance of evil. If others think that we are cohabiting in a sexual relationship, outside of marriage, we have not succeeded in meeting that requirement.
Abstain from all appearances of evil. – 1 Thessalonians 5:22 KJV
Please note that not all translations of the Bible use the word “appearances” in this verse; some merely use the word “form.” Therefore, we can take it not as an actual commandment restricting our actions, as we can’t be held responsible for what others think. Nevertheless, this is an obvious appearance of sinfulness, which doesn’t require much of an imagination on the part of people seeing it. We must ask ourselves at what point we are dealing with other people’s thoughts and at what point are we living in such a way as to make those thoughts obvious, simply because any other thought is unrealistic in our societal context.
What Does God Say About Sex?
The Bible actually has a lot to say about sex; much more than most people realize. Most of that is actually positive. After all, there’s one entire book of the Bible, the Song of Solomon, which talks about the sexual relationship in a marriage. It may be hard to understand, because it is written in a poetic manner; but taken in its cultural context, it is quite erotic.
Most people know that the Bible has commandments against extra-marital sex; but not that it says positive things about sex. Perhaps the clearest verse for defining God’s stand on the difference between the two, is found in the book of Hebrews.
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. – Hebrews 13:4
The first part of that verse tells us that anything a married couple does together in their bed is sanctioned by God. In other words, He doesn’t put limits on the sexual relationship in marriage; we can do whatever we want, without spouses. On the other hand, the second part of the verse makes it clear that God limits his sanction of sex to the marriage relationship and that He will judge anyone who takes it outside the marriage, regardless of whether they are single or married.
Another verse which shows that God is positive about marital sex can be found in the Song of Solomon. That book is a story about a married couple, supposedly King Solomon and one of his wives. As a story, there are different characters involved, specifically: the bride, the groom, a “chorus,” known as “the daughters of Jerusalem,” and God Himself. There is only one short phrase that is attributed to God, not even an entire verse, but it is found right smack in the middle of the story.
Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones! – Song of Solomon 5:1b
There are many who interpret the Song of Solomon as being about Christ and the church, without any possible reference to a marriage relationship. While that parallel exists, it can only be taken so far. Asking Jesus to kiss us on the lips, as part of our prayer, is probably inappropriate.
The Jewish interpretation of this book is that it is about a married couple. The portion of a verse quoted above is spoken by Jehovah God, after the couple makes love the first time, on their wedding night. It is God applauding their consummation of their marriage and encouraging them to enjoy that part of their life together. That certainly doesn’t sound like God is negative about sex.
Somehow, there has persisted the idea that God is against sex altogether, including in marriage. Where did that idea come from? It goes all the way back to the early church, during the 4th century. A minister, known as Saint Augustine, is the one who wrote that “any sexual act or thought is sin.” Much of what this famous Christian theologian wrote became adopted later by the Roman Catholic Church as their official doctrine. This particular statement didn’t although it has been taught down through the centuries as if it was officially accepted. Since the majority of the church says very little about sex, this teaching has infiltrated the rest of the church as well.
Here’s the thing though; Saint Augustine never married, remaining single all his life. However, it is rumored that he had many girlfriends. Therefore, in his own case, what he wrote was true; any sexual act he committed with those women was sin; and Jesus said that to think about them with lust in his heart was sin as well (Mathew 5:27-28). Augustine was projecting the conviction he was feeling for his own sin onto everyone else, telling them they were in sin also.
This, of course, does not excuse anyone who commits the sin of fornication, defined as pre-marital sex. There are a lot of verses in the Bible, which speak out against all types of sexual immorality, including fornication, such as 1 Corinthians 5:1; 6:13; 6:18-20; Ephesians 5:3 Galatians 5:19-21; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4; Jude 1:7; and Revelations 21:8, just to name a few. First Corinthians goes so far as to call sexual immorality the only sin where people sin against their own bodies.
Flee sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. – 1 Corinthians 6:18
But just why is God against sex outside of marriage? After all, one might think, why should He be against something so enjoyable.
One thing we must keep in mind is that God doesn’t make commandments randomly; every commandment He has given in the Bible has a purpose and that purpose is for our benefit. If God says not to have sex outside of marriage, it has to be for our benefit.
God’s Purpose for Sexual Intimacy
To truly understand the problem with sex outside of marriage, we need to understand the purpose of sex within marriage. The obvious answer to this is for procreation, producing babies. Since babies need both a mother and father to help and teach them as they grow, that is seen by many people as being enough. But God often has multiple purposes for the things He does and this is no exception.
To find that purpose, we need to go all the way back to the creation story. There, we find what can be seen as God creating the marriage relationship.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined with his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. – Genesis 2:24-25
The key term we need to see there is “one flesh.” The married couple is to be joined together to the point where they become as one. Looking at the Hebrew words used there, “one” means “one” and “flesh” means “naked flesh.” Just in case we’re not sure about the naked part, God goes on to mention it in the next verse. Some have tried to say that verse 25 doesn’t mean what it says, because they were clothed in the glory of God; but if you look at the original words, “naked” means “naked,” not “clothed in the glory of God.
People can argue about just what those verses mean and just how the one flesh relationship comes about; but it is sexual intimacy, more than anything else, which makes that happen. We not only see that depicted here, but we find it in medical studies of the human body as well.
There’s a chemical hormone in our bodies, called oxytocin. This particular hormone is released into our system by physical contact. The more intimate the contact, the more is released. Like all hormones, this one has an impact on our emotions, as well as our bodies. In this case, oxytocin causes the feeling of being “in love” with someone. So medical science shows us that having sex binds two people together, forming this one flesh relationship.
With this being the purpose for sexual intimacy, what happens when we have sex with multiple partners? That puts us into flesh relationships with several different people, relationships which will tug upon our soul, even when we find the “right one” and get married.
Problems with Premarital Sex
There are actually many potential problems with premarital sexual relationships, starting with the obvious one of how it can hurt people. With sexual intimacy forming the one flesh relationship, breaking that relationship is painful, especially for the person who is left behind. Women have a much harder time dealing with a breakup from a sexual relationship, than they do in dealing with a non-sexual one.
That one flesh relationship doesn’t just disappear because a couple breaks up; it remains in effect, although it is weakened. Yet it can cause problems throughout the couple’s individual lives. The term that is used for the connection between the two, caused by sexual intimacy, is a “soul tie.” While sex is not necessary to create a soul tie, it is the most common way of forming them and creates the strongest ones.
We can imagine the soul tie as a string, connecting the heart of one person to the heart of the other. The more times a couple has sex, the larger and stronger that string becomes. As the individual continues through their life, having sexual encounters with various different people, they form these soul ties with various different people, until they eventually marry and form a strong soul tie with their spouse.
But this doesn’t mean that those other soul ties are eliminated. They continue to exist and while they may not be as strong as the one formed with their spouse, those various soul ties function like strings pulling upon the heart, pulling them away from their life partner and towards those previous partners. This can be both distracting and damaging to the marriage relationship.
Worse than that, many premarital sexual encounters come about because of one partner pressuring the other to have sex; generally, the man pressuring the woman. That has changed somewhat over the years, as third-wave feminism has told women that they should be like men and desire sex without commitment. But while that has changed the attitude of some women, it has not changed the attitude of most. Not only that, but it hasn’t changed their basic psychology.
Pressuring, forcing or coercing another person into a sexual act is by definition sexual abuse. With so many women being pressured into sex, what we have is a society where the vast majority of women are victims of sexual abuse. This brings with it severe consequences in their marriages, as they struggle to have a healthy sexual relationship with their husband. Ultimately, that can lead to divorce in many cases.
Even minor sexual encounters before marriage, that do not culminate in intercourse, can have devastating effects, especially on women. I have ministered to women who were virgins when they married, but were sexually abused by male relatives or other authority figures who touched them inappropriately during their childhood. These encounters left the women as mentally scarred as if they had been raped, making it difficult for them to enjoy sexual intimacy with their husbands or even enjoy their husbands touching their bodies.
Couples who get married as virgins do not have the same sexual problems. While they might not be “experts” on lovemaking during their honeymoon, they quickly figure things out learn together. Their sexual relationship is healthier, leading to a healthier marriage. They are not distracted by past relationships or have any problem with their minds making unwanted comparisons between their marriage partner and previous partners.
Premarital Sex and Abortion
Then there’s the problem of unwanted pregnancies. Before the sexual revolution, sex outside of marriage was rare, along with the resulting unwanted pregnancies. It is significant that the Supreme Court case of Roe vs. Wade occurred during that revolution. Free sex requires that there not be any “cost” for that sex and pregnancy is the ultimate cost. The solution society has come up with is to get rid of the pregnancy, through legalizing the killing of babies in the womb.
Regardless of one’s stance on the issue of abortion, the fact remains that it ends life. The proof of this is that if the abortion did not take place, over 99 percent of those pregnancies would lead to the birth of a baby. Yet hundreds of thousands of abortions are performed every year in the United States alone. I would not want to be one to have to answer to God for making that decision.
So then each of us shall give an account of himself to God. – Romans 14:12
Forgiveness
While God makes it clear in the Bible that premarital sex is a sin, he never calls it an unforgiveable sin. Other than blaspheming the Holy Spirit (Matthew 12:31-32), the only thing that can be considered an unforgivable sin is not receiving Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.
Apart from Jesus, we are all on our way to hell, being sent there by our sins. Accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior gives us forgiveness from those sins, making it possible for us to go to heaven. As long as we remain sin-free, we retain this right.
In reality, none of us go very long, after accepting Jesus Christ, without sinning. Fortunately, God has made provision for this, in allowing us to repent from our sins. Once we do, He forgives us from them. However, many people misstate this, thinking that all they need to do is ask for forgiveness. But repentance means more than just asking forgiveness, it literally means a change of direction. In other words, it means turning from that sin and turning to God.
In the context of pre-marital sex, this means that repenting includes a commitment to stop having sex before marriage. Someone who asks for forgiveness, without any true intention to stop having sex, isn’t repenting before God. That makes their forgiveness an unsure thing. On the other hand, someone who goes to God, truly intending to stop their sexual relationships will clearly be forgiven. Should they fail, they will need to go back to God again and repent once more. There’s no limit to how many times we can repent.
Repent therefore, and be converted, that your sins may be blotted out, so that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord. – Acts 3:19
Please note that the previous paragraph doesn’t give anyone permission to sin, with the understanding that they can go back to God and seek forgiveness. God knows what is in our hearts and minds, so therefore knows whether we are sincere in our act of repentance. He can see through any attempt to pretend to repent.
We can apply the same to abortion. There are women who have aborted their babies and then received the Lord and repented. God has forgiven them of that sin and holds them blameless. Even so, that’s not the same as God giving anyone permission to abort a baby, with the idea that He will forgive them later. That isn’t any more repentance than going to God, claiming to repent of premarital sex and then jumping back into bed with the person you had committed the sin with in the first place.