We all meet various people throughout our lives. Some of those people are like two ships passing in the night… we see them, we might even have a conversation with them; but no more. Once they pass, they are gone, never to return. But then there are others, people who come into our lives, stay there, and make a great impact. Sometimes we even marry those people.
For the believer, there is a constant question behind these relationships. Oh, we might not vocalize it or even think it out clearly; but it is there nonetheless. The question is whether these encounters are something of our own, something totally random, or whether God has orchestrated them. Did God bring that specific person into our lives for a purpose?
It’s safe to say that not all relationships we have are orchestrated by God. While He is fully capable of doing just that, there is no reason for Him to be concerned with who every coworker or classmate is. His efforts are pointed towards setting up those relationships which will make a big impact on our lives, not those which are inconsequential. While the person we interact with at work or school may actually make an impact on our lives; that isn’t why they are there. They are there, like us, to work or study.
Yet we all have encounters in our lives, with people who clearly are there to make an impact. What might that impact be? That can be hard to say; but in a general sense, it’s all about changing us.
As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. – Proverbs 27:17
We see the scriptures using an analogy here to show what these relationships do. An iron or steel blade can be sharpened by rubbing it against another blade, if a sharpening stone or steel is not available. Since the two materials are equally hard, the material is equally distorted by the action of rubbing them together, sharpening both.
When we look at friendship relationships, we often find that the two friends are much alike. One of the key ways that they are alike is in their level of maturity. While some people may have relationships with others who are either more or less mature than they are, those are usually mentoring relationships, rather than friendships. We pick friends we are comfortable with, rather than ones which cause us to strive to improve. Even so, those friends do help us to improve.
This fits in with God’s ultimate goal in our lives, after salvation. That is, to remake us into the image of His Son, Jesus Christ, as Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans:
For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He (Jesus) might be the firstborn among many brethren. – Romans 8:29
God understands our limitations, after all, He created us. Why He didn’t create us perfect is a question we may never find an answer for; but I can guarantee you, there is a reason. Nevertheless, He didn’t choose to leave us in an imperfect state. He sees our imperfections as an opportunity, as a loving Father, to help us improve. One way He does this is through the sacrificial work of Jesus Christ on the cross and another is through the people He brings into our lives.
There’s no way that any of us can have a serious relationship with someone that doesn’t change us in some way. Taking that thought a step further, there’s the old saying that “opposites attract.” There are many good reasons for that, including that we need those around us to have different strengths and viewpoints than we have, in order to help meet needs in our lives and help us grow.
If the only people we associate with are those who have the same beliefs and ideas that we do, we never have to examine what we believe or defend it. Both are necessary, even for the Christian faith. People who don’t examine their beliefs don’t learn more and people who aren’t forced to defend those beliefs have trouble articulating them. Being forced to speak about our faith helps us to think through what we believe and find a way of expressing it. In doing that, we also solidify that belief in our own mind; no longer is it something vague, it becomes something we can identify.
God created us to be in relationship with Him; to be his children. But He wants us to understand what that relationship is. When we can tell others clearly why we are in relationship with Jesus Christ, we are much less easily led astray. At the same time, we are more able to lead those others to Him.
How Do You Know When God Brought Someone into Your Life?
One of the great challenges here is in knowing whether someone comes into our lives by mere happenstance or whether that relationship is of God. For most relationships, it’s actually not necessary for us to find an answer. But it is useful to find that for the closest relationships in our lives. We certainly don’t want the wrong people in our inner circle, with all the problems that can cause. Even more so, we’ve all seen the disasters that can happen, when we marry the wrong person, rather than hearing from God.
For the moment, let’s talk about friendships and other relationships, not marriage. We’ll deal with that as a separate issue.
There are many who say that you can tell that a particular relationship is of God because it makes you “feel good.” I have to dispute that in the strongest terms. First, our feelings are fickle things, subject to changing in a moment. You might have good feelings towards someone one minute and all it takes is for them to say the wrong thing and your feelings change.
But this is also a trick that the enemy knows. He will bring people into your life that make you feel good. Haven’t you heard that sin feels good for a season? People can come into your life, telling you all sorts of things that make you feel good, while they steer you away from your relationship with God. That’s clearly not of Him.
Honestly, it is difficult knowing whether a relationship is of God or not; at least from the front end. Most of the time, we have to look at the results of that relationship, in order to understand whether it came from God. If the results of that relationship are to help us draw closer to God, become molded more into the image of Jesus Christ and understand God’s Holy Word better, then we can be sure that the relationship is of Him. If they do the opposite, we can be sure that the relationship is not of Him.
Hearing From God
But how do we determine that up front; before getting too far into the relationship? That requires hearing from God.
There are those who talk all the time like they hear from God constantly. “While I was brushing my teeth this morning, God told me.” “As I was driving to work, I heard the Lord say.” “Last night, as I was reading the Bible, I got this great revelation from the Holy Spirit.” These and other statements make it sound like some people have a regular, ongoing, verbal dialogue with God. Yet that really isn’t so. They are speaking by faith, telling us things they believe that God spoke to them.
There’s an idea that God speaks to some people in an audible voice, often a booming audible voice, with lots of reverberation in it. That’s a Hollywood image of God. Anyone who has seen the Ten Commandments, with Charlton Heston, or watched a movie about Noah, is likely to have seen that depiction. But there’s nothing in the Bible to truly back that up. Rather, the biblical image of God speaking is through a still, small voice. We see this most clearly in an incident in the prophet Elijah’s life, after his great confrontation with the prophets of Baal.
…and behold, the word of the Lord came to him, and said to him, “What are you doing here, Elijah?”… 11 Then He said, “Go out and stand on the mountain before the Lord.” And behold the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; 12 and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice. 13 So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantel and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave. Suddenly a voice (the voice of the Lord)2 came to him, and said, “What are you doing here, Elijah?” – 1 Kings 19:10-13
This is a great picture of how God spoke to His prophets. It wasn’t in that booming voice with lots of reverb, but as Elijah described it, in the quiet time. There had been three things that could have been considered “signs” from God, but the passage makes it clear that God, nor His voice, was in any of them. Elijah understood that, so stayed hidden in his cave. But once things quieted down and he heard the “still small voice” of the Lord, he went forth from the cave and God spoke to him.
This is the problem we all have in hearing from God, getting ourselves quiet enough to hear what He is saying to us. The prophets had an advantage over us in this, because they spent their lives in prayer and seeking God. They were accustomed to getting themselves into a quiet place, where they could hear from the Lord.
But don’t get the idea that God spoke to them audibly or clearly. Everything that the prophets wrote in the Bible had to be written by faith. They were taking a message that they were hearing in their hearts and writing it down for the people. Not only that, but they were doing it knowing that if they prophesied wrong, it could cost them their lives. That was the price of being determined to be a false prophet.
But what about those of us who aren’t prophets and can’t dedicate our days to seeking God? Is there a biblical example of a normal working man hearing from God? Yes.
Now the birth of Jesus Christ was as follows: After His mother Mary was betrothed to Joseph, before they came together, she was found with child of the Holy Spirit. 19 Then Joseph her husband, being a just man, and not wanting to make her a public example, was minded to put her away secretly. 20 But while he thought about these things, behold, an angle of the Lord appeared to him in a dream, saying, “Joseph, son of David, do not be afraid to take to you Mary your wife, for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Spirit.” – Matthew 1:18-20
While this isn’t exactly the same “still small voice” that Elijah received, it is similar. I imagine Joseph, like many of us, didn’t have the necessary quiet time to hear that voice. So, God arranged to have a messenger, one of His angels, bring him that message in a dream, the one time that he would definitely be quiet enough to hear.
This doesn’t mean that all dreams are from God. But in this case, it is clear that Joseph had been thinking about what to do and the angel brought him his answer in a dream. He recognized that message as God speaking to him and acted upon it.
If we read a little further in the story, we find God speaking to Joseph two more times, in exactly the same way. The second time was to flee Judeah and go to Egypt (Matthew 2:13), so that Jesus would not be killed and the third time was to return to Judeah, once it was safe (Matthew 2:19-20).
The point of all this is that if we are truly seeking God, He will find a way to speak to us. This includes our relationships. It is easy for our emotions to confuse us, when it comes to discerning what is of God and what is not. But if we truly seek God, looking for an answer from Him, and are patient in waiting for it; then we can be sure that He will give us that answer.
But What About Marriage; Knowing They Are “The One”
It’s even harder to know if a romantic relationship is of God, than any other sort of relationship, because emotions get even more in the way, than they do in any other sort of relationship you can enter into. “Love is blind” they say and when we are blinded by love, we can very well think that a relationship is of God, when in fact, it isn’t.
So, how can we tell?
Before I get into marriage, let me say this… dating isn’t biblical. In biblical times, marriages were arranged by the parents. While this idea seems strange to us today, nobody knows a child better than their parents. Allowing them to choose a spouse pretty much ensured that the spouse that they chose would be the best possible one for their child. They wouldn’t be looking at how “hot” the person was, but whether they would make a good spouse.
If our basis for looking is how “hot” or “sexy” they are, and then asking God if that is the person who He has sent, we may as well not bother asking God. While I’m sure that God has nothing against attractive people, He is much more concerned with the content of their heart and character. When sexiness or attractiveness is our number one criterion, we aren’t going to be hearing what God says anyway.
Before even looking, we’ve got to start with a foundation of prayer. If you are seeking a spouse, without praying, and then ask God if they’re the one afterwards, what you’re really doing is asking God to approve of your choice; you’re not asking God to bring you someone who is His best for you.
Another thing I highly recommend is taking the time to write out a list of characteristics you are looking for in that person. I’m not talking about physical attributes here; I’m referring to their character and personality. Before I met my wife, I had written out a six-page document, describing the type of person that I wanted to marry. That wasn’t a “specification” for God to fulfill, but rather a time of introspection, trying to understand myself and what sort of person I would be compatible with. A full third of that document dealt with the spiritual character of the woman who would become my wife.
That list can also serve as a protection against settling for someone less than the person that God has chosen and prepared for you. Many people start out with pretty high standards in what they’re looking for in a spouse. As time goes on and they don’t find “the one,” they lower their standards. The more time goes on, the more those standards are lowered. This seems to happen more with women, especially as women age; but it happens to men as well. Eventually they find someone who meets their greatly lowered standards and marry, only to find out that living with that person is hell on Earth.
Remember that God is not going to bring you someone who is not a believer. I’ve seen many women who have married men, thinking that they could get them saved later. I’ve also seen men who have pretended to be believers, just to get a woman to marry them. Both are wrong and a sure recipe for disaster.
Watch Out for Dating
The biggest problem in dating to find a spouse, is that dating really isn’t about finding a spouse, even though that’s what everyone says it is. If we’re going to be honest about it, modern dating is about sex. It’s a form of “hookup society” where people go out and then go to bed.
The Bible makes it very clear that sex before marriage is a sin, even though many people try to say that the commandments prohibiting pre-marital sex are old-fashioned and out of date. So instead, allow me to give you a very practical reason to avoid sex before marriage. That is, to avoid getting attached to the wrong person and end up marrying them.
One of the many hormones in our body is called oxytocin. This particular hormone is released into our bodies through physical touch. The more intimate the touch, the more oxytocin is released. As with many other hormones (specifically estrogen and progesterone), oxytocin has an emotional impact… that of giving us the feeling of being “in love” with the person who caused the release. In other words, when we have sex with someone or even kiss them (kissing on the lips is a sexual act), we are setting ourselves up to fall in love with that person, even if they are not the right one for us.
Once we’ve fallen in love with someone, it will be very easy to become convinced that they are the person who God has chosen for us. In fact, it will be almost impossible for someone else to convince us that they are the wrong person, even if they bring us extensive evidence about how horrible a person they are.
One of the biggest protections against falling into the trap of physical intimacy in dating is to start your relationship out over the phone. Get to know who they are, not just what they look like. Find out what they like, where their interests are and what their goals and dreams for life are. Take the time to talk about Biblical topics and pray together as you seek to know one another.
When it comes time to meet, do so in the presence of your family or others who will function as chaperones. I realize that sounds old-fashioned; but it is effective. I don’t care how good the intentions of an individual are, when alone together those intentions can be stripped away just as fast as clothes can.
Get Confirmation
The biggest key to determining whether a particular person you’re interested in has been sent to you by God or not is to get confirmation. Of course, for this to work, you’ve got to get confirmation from people who are going to both have your best interest at heart and who are going to have the spiritual maturity to hear from God on your behalf.
Most of us look to our closest friends for that confirmation; but those friends are usually our own age and may very well be as enamored with our boyfriend or girlfriend as we are. They certainly aren’t looking through the eyes of the future, seeing what that person is going to be like ten years down the road. They may very well be just looking at their physical attributes, rather than their spiritual ones. Someone older should be more able to look beyond those physical attributes and see the person within.
While confirmations from without are great, you can receive confirmations within as well. In my own case, there were several things that my wife had prayed for, during the years that she was waiting for God to bring her a husband. During our time of getting to know each other, I said several things that perfectly aligned with those prayers, serving as confirmations for her.
But the big confirmation came from one of my daughters. We were in church, worshiping, and the woman who is now my wife asked God the question, “Is this the promise fulfilled.” The next day, my daughter, who had been leading worship at the time, told me that she heard the Holy Spirit say “promise fulfilled” to her at what seems to have been the same time. There was no way that my daughter could have known what my wife was praying, making that a very sure confirmation from the Lord.
Granted, not all confirmations are that clear. But if we are patient enough, we will get some sort of confirmation that is clear enough that we will know that it came from God and not from someone else. That sort of confirmation is what we should be looking for, regardless of who brings it to us.
Keep in mind that Satan can fabricate “signs” too. The supposed signs that we read about Elijah receiving were obviously false signs. Don’t fall for them. God isn’t going to make an earthquake for you. He’s going to move in a much more subtle manner, that still small voice.