Broken hearts are, unfortunately, a part of life. We all try out relationships, hoping that they will turn out to be that one special relationship that lasts the rest of our lives. But they rarely do. We often have to try over and over again, before finding the person whom we can truly spend the rest of our lives with.
In the meantime, each time we get into those relationships, we give that person our heart, hoping that they will care for them well. That is a necessity, as we can’t even start the relationship without making that commitment. But none of us knows just how that other person is going to treat our heart. All too often finding out how they will treat our heart becomes painful, as they break our heart, either in mistreating us or in leaving us.
God, being a God of love, knows all about the hurts that come with loving someone and not being loved in return. After all, He suffers through that all the time, with people who choose not to love Him. Yet He continues to love and is here to help us when our hearts are broken.
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. – Psalm 147:3
While we do have this promise from God, there is nowhere in the Bible that actually tells us how God heals us. But that’s okay; we don’t necessarily need to know how God does things, just that He is faithful to do what His Word says He does.
Avoiding the Problem
In past times, society tried to protect young people from this pain by placing tight controls on relationships between the sexes. Young couples couldn’t meet together privately, where they might do things that they shouldn’t do. They had to have a chaperone; usually a family member who was more interested in keeping them out of the relationship, than helping them get deeper into it.
While that wasn’t a perfect solution, it did protect people more than what we have today, with people going off and dating, without any supervision. Worse than that, from a broken heart point of view, is that the common understanding of dating has come to include sex on the first date. That sexual intimacy causes the couple to form a much stronger emotional bond, much more quickly, setting the person that is left up for a much harder fall, when the other one decides they aren’t interested in pursuing the relationship.
I’m Talking About Oxytocin
Our bodies include a number of chemical hormones. These are messenger chemicals, that are produced in one part of the body, to control how things operate in other parts of the body. Some of these hormones are sexual in nature, involved in the growth and operation of our reproductive system. All of the sex hormones also have an emotional impact on us, in addition to their other functions.
For the purpose of this article, the hormone that we’re interested in is oxytocin. This chemical exists in both the male and female. Amongst other functions, this hormone is involved in sexual arousal and romantic attachment. More specifically, it is the hormone that causes the emotional feeling of being “in love” with another person.
Oxytocin is released into the system through physical touch. The more intimate the touch, the more oxytocin is released. So, when couples who are dating get involved in sexual intimacy, their bloodstreams are flooded with oxytocin and they are all but forcing themselves to fall in love with someone they don’t even know. This creates a situation ripe for broken hearts.
This explains how God’s prohibition against sexual intimacy before marriage (Leviticus, chapter 18) is actually for our own benefit. God knows the negative impact that sexual intimacy outside of marriage can cause, and has commanded us to avoid it. Yet we persist in doing what He has specifically told us not to do. The result is a lot of people with broken hearts.
Granted, this is not the only way that hearts get broken, but it is the most common way. Another common way is through divorce. In the case of divorce, we’re still dealing with oxytocin, as well as the deeper love that comes through a shared life and experiences. But there is also an expectancy of commitment. Divorce becomes a betrayal, not just a breaking of the relationship.
The Emotions You’re Dealing With
Any sort of a breakup is emotionally complex. There are a whole host of emotions to deal with, including sadness, anger, frustration, confusion and exhaustion. These may all show up at the same time or separately, with each one rising and falling through the ensuing days, as one tries to come to grips with what has happened. Depending on the individual and how well they heal, these emotions can continue for quite some time.
Focusing on the emotions is a mistake, as it tends to perpetuate those emotions. At the same time, ignoring the emotions, “stuffing them” down inside one’s self is unhealthy, as the emotions need an outlet. Keeping things inside, which need to be expressed, creates a lot of stress and can lead to heart attacks and other serious medical issues.
There is very little in nature to help us deal with these emotions and much of what people try to do is destructive. People turn to drugs, alcohol and smoking to deal with the stress and sense of loss. Some get involved in risky ventures, like extreme sports. The most dangerous thing that people do is to get involved in another relationship too soon, looking for the love they’ve lost. This usually leads to them getting involved in the wrong relationship, with someone who will only hurt them further.
Forgiveness Plays an Important Part
The biggest tool that God has given us in receiving healing in our hearts is that of forgiveness. There’s a mistaken idea that we forgive others to set them free. That’s not true at all. A person who has hurt another isn’t bound up by anything. It’s quite possible that they don’t even realize that they’ve hurt the other person. That’s not so likely in a breakup, but it is in a lot of other offenses.
We forgive, because that sets us free from the pain of the offense. That’s the reason to forgive. It helps you.
Many people say they “can’t forgive” because they don’t feel like they can forgive. Their mistake is in thinking that forgiveness is a feeling. Most of the time when we need to forgive, we won’t feel like we can. Fortunately, we don’t have to feel like forgiving, as forgiveness is an act of the will, not an act of the emotions. If we can say “I choose to forgive,” that’s enough.
The amazing thing about this, is that once we choose to forgive, it will have a positive effect on our emotions. That’s because we have been set free of the offense, which also frees us of the pain of the offense. But unfortunately, that feeling doesn’t usually last. Generally about five minutes later, we find ourselves back in the same emotional pit, with the same emotional pain.
What’s going on here? Just because we choose to forgive, doesn’t mean that we have forgotten the reason we were hurting in the first place. It doesn’t make the offense go away. So, as soon as we start thinking about it again, we find ourselves hurt and offended again.
Here’s the secret; forgiveness isn’t just a one-time act. It’s a progressive act. Jesus taught this to Peter in a very important conversation they had.
Then Peter came to Him (Jesus) and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I Do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.” – Matthew 18:21-22
This was an important question for Peter, who had been raised under the Old Testament Law of “an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth” (Leviticus 24:19-20). He is being magnanimous, at least in his own eyes, saying “seven times.” But Jesus’ answer probably startled him, as it was far beyond anything he would have imagined.
When we look at those two verses, it really doesn’t say that Peter’s brother sinned against him seven times. The seven times is in regard to him forgiving his brother. That’s important, as we can, and often are, offended by the same thing, over and over again. That thought coming back, five minutes after forgiving the person and getting us upset all over again is the same offense, offending us many times over.
Jesus responded by multiplying what Peter had asked, telling him “up to seventy times seven.” This doesn’t mean that Jesus was setting a limit of 490 times, as the number seven is a number of completion; but rather that Jesus was saying “as many times as necessary.” How do we know how many times are necessary? As long as we continue to be offended or hurt, every time we think of it, we still need to forgive. The act of forgiveness isn’t complete, until we can think of that person and what they’ve done, without it hurting or offending us.
This act, we call forgiveness, is a progressive act, in which repetition helps us to overcome the constant reminders we encounter, telling us that we’ve been wronged. As we repeatedly forgive the person for their wrongful acts, the act has less and less of a hold on us, allowing us to become free from the pain that we were going through.
Take it to God
The solution to all of this is taking the problem to God. That doesn’t just mean praying a short prayer, asking God to take care of it and then going on with your life. God is perfectly willing to help with the many problems of a broken heart; but it takes time to be healed. Specifically, it takes time in His presence.
So, just how do we get into God’s presence? King David gave us some instructions in Psalm 100:
Enter into His gates with thanksgiving, and into His courts with praise. Be thankful to Him, and bless His name. – Psalm 100:4
If we imagine heaven as a walled city, with a castle in the middle, we enter the gates of that city by giving thanks to God for His goodness. That may seem difficult to do when we are hurting; but that hurt doesn’t diminish His goodness towards us in any way. If anything, it gives Him a chance to show us just how good He is.
But just entering the gates isn’t enough. We need to get into His presence. That means entering His throne room, which is in the castle in the middle of that city. That requires praise.
Allow me to digress a moment and clarify something. There have been many who have taught that “praise is the fast songs and worship is the slow songs.” This is incorrect, although most praise songs are fast and most worship songs are slow. The true difference is the focus of the songs; who we are singing them to. In praise, we are declaring God’s goodness, one to another. Together, we are singing about God. But when we switch over to worship, we are no longer singing to each other, we are singing to God Himself. The key word to look for in any worship song is “You.” When the song is sung to God, instead of about Him, it is worship.
So, we sing songs about how great God is to get into His presence. Once there, the verse I quoted above says, “bless His name.” That’s actually a Hebrew or Jewish idiom for “worship Him. In other words, once we have used praise to get into God’s presence, we stop singing about Him and start singing to Him, expressing our love to Him.
Allow me to get personal here, if you will. My wife of 33 years abandoned me while I was on a mission’s trip. I came back to find her gone and a sticky note telling me she needed some time alone. A few days later, I was served with the papers for a divorce. Like anyone else, I was devastated, going through the whole gambit of emotions that I mentioned earlier.
The only way I knew to deal with the situation was to go to God. So, I spent the next three weeks in His presence, worshiping Him. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t go to work and I didn’t eat; just that I had true worship music going on all the time; not Christian radio, which is entertainment, but true worship. I made a playlist of songs that I recognized as worship songs and played it over and over again, 24-hours per day, 7-days per week. At the end of the three weeks, I emerged with my heart healed.
I’m not just saying that I was healed; others noticed that I was. My son-in-law, who is a pastor, was the first to notice it. He realized it before I did myself. God’s power and His presence had healed my broken heart.
Other Help is Available
God doesn’t intend for us to handle everything on our own; that’s why He has placed us in community, specifically in a community of like-minded believers. The emotional and psychological support we receive from other believers helps us to overcome those emotional issues we were talking about. We must be careful however, of who we share our problems with. Not everyone has the ability to give us the support we need. Some may feed our pain, rather than help to alleviate it.
Someone who has gone through the same thing you are, is much better able to understand your pain and offer you advice. But you don’t want someone who is going through it right now or who has gone through it recently. They may feed your pain, rather than help you get rid of it.
There are a number of actions we should take, as part of receiving our healing. Each situation is unique, so some of these may not apply to every situation. Nevertheless, we should first try to apply them, before deciding that they don’t apply to us. It is easy to say something doesn’t apply, because it is not what we want to do, even though it is the very thing that we must do, in order to receive the answer to our prayer that we need.
Repent of Sin – It is possible that your sin has something to do with the pain that you’re feeling. As I mentioned earlier, God has chosen to limit sexual intimacy to marriage, in order to protect us. Yet societal pressures make it all too easy to ignore this commandment. When we do, it ends up adding to our pain. If that’s the case, be sure to repent to God, before seeking His help.
Surrender to God – Allowing God to work within you requires a willingness to surrender to Him. None of us knows exactly how God is going to operate in a particular situation; but we know that He will do whatever it takes, for our benefit. That may very well require our submission in some area of our life, that we had held back on before.
Let the Person Go – Don’t try hanging on to someone who has already left you. All that’s going to do is prolong the healing process. If they have left you, you’re truly better off without them, regardless of how you feel. Trying to continue the relationship or to win them back is only going to prolong your pain and can quite possibly add more pain to what you are already experiencing.
Find Godly Mentors – The people who are going to be able to do the most to help you are godly mentors who have walked the path you are walking now. This generally means someone who is older than you, perhaps as much as 10 to 20 years older. The perspective of years can provide wisdom and insight that you need.
Don’t Allow Anger In – As much as you might want to be angry at that person, anger is your enemy. When we are angry, we are much more likely to respond in a foolish way, leading us into greater problems. The best solution for that anger is the things we discussed earlier: forgiveness and getting into God’s presence.
Allow Joy to Come into Your Heart – God wants to give you joy, for “The joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). Sometimes, we feel like we have to stay sad and upset, when something tragic happens to us, like someone leaving us. But joy, unlike happiness, transcends our circumstances. The more we allow joy into our heart, the more it can work to drive out sadness.
Accept God’s Love – The love we all need is God’s love, regardless of what others do. The really great thing about His love is that it never goes away. We don’t have to worry about God turning His back on us or leaving us. He will always be there for us, no matter what. That love heals broken hearts.
Oh give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; for his steadfast love endures forever! – 1 Chronicles 16:34 ESV