The sexual revolution hit the United States and Europe from the 1960s to 1980, bringing what people thought was sexual “freedom.” No longer did sexual intercourse have to be limited to the marriage relationship. People could have sex with whoever they wished, whether through an established relationship or the desire of the moment. There was no longer a concern with whether people (especially women) were virgins on their wedding day; but rather, teens who were not sexually active were ridiculed for their celibacy (whether of their choice or because of lack of opportunity).
In the ensuing half-century, the typical age for one’s first sexual encounter dropped from 23 years of age for men and 20 years of age for women, back in the 1960s, to a median age of 16 for males and 17 for females. Many have their first sexual experience even younger than this. In addition to this, homosexuals have “come out of the closet,” pushing to become mainstream, to the point where more and more of our youth are self-identifying as being “non-binary,” sexually speaking.
In response to all this sexual promiscuity, many pastors and preachers have spoken out from the pulpit against sex outside of marriage. This has given many people who don’t know God or the Bible the idea that God is negative about sex.
I must add that the Catholic Church has greatly influenced the idea that God is negative about sex, even before the sexual revolution. Even though it is not part of official Catholic doctrine, the Catholic Church has always taught that any sexual thought or act is sin. This comes from the writings of Saint Augustine, who wrote much of what became adopted as official Catholic doctrine. While this statement never was adopted officially, it has been passed down through the centuries as if it was.
The thing is, Saint Augustine never married. Even so, we can’t really say that he believed in celibacy, as he supposedly had many mistresses through the year. So, in his own personal case, what he wrote was true, as he was having sexual thoughts about women who were not his wife. Jesus Himself called that sin.
You have heard that it was said of old, “You shall not commit adultery.” 28 But I say to you that whoever looks at a woman to lust for her has already committed adultery with her in his heart. – Matthew 5:27-28
Sex outside of marriage has always existed, as we can see from the example of Saint Augustine, who lived in the fourth to fifth century. However, it is safe to say that it has not existed to the magnitude that it has since the sexual revolution. While sexual promiscuity has increased and decreased through the centuries, often coinciding with times of war, it is rare for it to reach the point it has in modern society.
Part of the blame for sexual promiscuity can be blamed on the third-order feminist movement we are experiencing today. While feminism started out about equal rights, specifically the right to vote, it has morphed through the years. Part of this has been to tell women that they should want to enjoy casual sex, just like men do. This has eliminated the role of women as gatekeepers, protecting their own virginity and keeping men in check. Now, instead of just having single men pursuing women sexually, we have single women pursuing men sexually as well.
What Does the Bible Say?
Probably the clearest statement about sex that can be found in the Bible, is found in the Book of Hebrews, a book written specifically to Jews who had accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior.
Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers (fornicators) and adulterers God will judge. – Hebrews 13:4 KJV
This one verse shows both God’s positive attitude towards sex in marriage and His negative attitude about sex outside of marriage. Few people realize it, but God is actually very positive about marital sex After all, He’s the one who created it and He’s also the one who made it possible for us to enjoy it. The basic problem people have with God over sex, is that God has always intended it to be something to be kept within the marriage relationship. But why is that so?
When God creates something, He does so for a purpose, often for multiple purposes. We know that God created sex for procreation, because we see that all around us in nature. But is that the only purpose for sexual intimacy? Mankind differs from the animal kingdom in our motivation for sex. With animals, the female produces a scent when she is fertile, which the male responds to, having sex with her to impregnate her. That’s the only time that animals have sex; they do not have sex outside of the female’s fertile period.
Humans are quite different from this; the male human is not stimulated sexually by smell, but rather by sight. Seeing a woman’s body arouses him sexually, especially a young, sexy, and/or naked woman’s body. His response to this is to want to have sex with her. Yet God specifically limits who he is allowed to have sex with, limiting that to his own wife, as we can see from the two verses quoted above and many other examples in the Bible.
Being visually stimulated for sex has nothing to do with procreation, although that procreation is a byproduct of sexual intercourse. But if it was only for procreation, then men would only be sexually stimulated by the sight of a fertile woman. But human females don’t display any visible indication that they are fertile and they are only fertile a few days per month. While the hormones in her body (specifically the hormone testosterone, which men have in abundance, but women have in only a miniscule quantity) make her more interested in sex during that time, the male cannot tell that her testosterone is peaking.
The dual facts that women are only fertile a few days per month and that men are interested in sex every day prove that God had another purpose in sexual intimacy, besides procreation. We find that purpose in the same verse where God created the marriage relationship.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:23
While the words “marriage” and “wedding” aren’t used in this verse, the intent of marriage is clearly shown. The words “cleave to” and “one flesh” both speak of an intensely close relationship, to the point where the two have connected so well, it is as if they are “one flesh.”
This melding together as one flesh happens though sexual intimacy. As couples engage in sex, it releases the hormone oxytocin in their bodies. Like all hormones, this one has an emotional effect, the ability to create the feeling of being “in love” with the other person. Hence, the sexual act causes a couple to fall in love with each other. That’s fine in marriage; but can be disastrous outside of the bonds of matrimony.
Many single women today willingly have sex with their boyfriends, in the hopes of causing him to fall in love with them, ultimately ending in marriage. Yet in most cases, this doesn’t end up happening, because the guy in question isn’t interested in a permanent relationship; he’s only interested in sex. In those cases where it does lead to marriage, the marriage is often unfulfilling, because their relationship is based on sex and nothing else. Outside of sex, they might be totally incompatible.
Marriages which are based purely on sex are likely to fail. How quickly they fail depends mostly on how much sex the couple has. Couples who maintain a lot of sex generally are able to keep their relationship together, as long as they continue with sex. But once circumstances such as health or pregnancy force them to reduce their sexual activity, the relationship starts falling apart.
Sex as a Covenant Act
God referring to sexual intimacy as “cleaving to” and “one flesh” makes it clear that sex is a covenant act. Like the cutting of the flesh, in order to mingle the blood in a covenant ceremony, sex is both a symbolic and literal bonding together. It forms a relationship that should never be able to be broken.
Yet, we have no choice whether sex we have with another person will create this close, covenant-type relationship or not. Having sex with multiple people therefore creates confusion about who one is in relationship with. Those other previous experiences will both lessen the bond with the one someone finally settles on marrying, as well as be a constant distraction, pulling on the heart. This is referred to by calling the ongoing bond with these other people “soul ties.”
Soul ties are not just limited to relationships that happened before marriage, they can be caused by sexual relationships that happen through adultery. In both cases, those soul ties are damaging to the marriage relationship, as the person who has them will feel constant tugs on their heart, drawing them away from their spouse, rather than towards them.
Based on this, we can say that God’s negative attitude about sexual intimacy outside of marriage is because He recognizes the danger that it will cause to our marriages. He has prohibited these other sexual relationships, not to prevent us from having fun; but to help keep us from having problems in our marriages. While we “feel” like we want to have multiple sexual partners, we are really created to be fulfilled through a lifelong monogamous relationship.
God’s Attitude About Sex in Marriage
While God is clearly opposed to sexual intimacy outside of marriage, He is strongly in favor of it within the marriage relationship. In fact, He is so strongly in favor of it, that He has devoted an entire book of the Bible, the Song of Solomon, to talking about sexual relationships in marriage.
We have trouble understanding the Song of Solomon, because it is written as poetry. Amongst all writings, poetry is the hardest to translate, because it doesn’t usually say things clearly or simply. Added to that, poetry can be filled with idioms and symbols that are understood in the originating culture, but may not be understood in the one that the poetry is being translated into. This is very commonplace in the Song of Solomon, largely due to the sexual content of the book. Just as movies filmed early in the last century wouldn’t show the sexual act, but would cut to a scene of a waterfall or some other majestic nature scene to imply what was happening, the Song of Solomon uses terminology to speak of sex, which was clear to them, but is not as clear to us.
This is why some Bible teachers proclaim that the Song of Solomon is not about sex or marriage; but rather about our relationship with Christ. Yet if it is about that relationship, there are some things included in it, which seem rather odd. Saying to Jesus, “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth” (Song of Solomon 1:2) seems more like an invitation to an amorous affair, than our relationship with Christ. It makes much more sense to interpret the book as a story about romantic love, than to try and understand it as talking about our relationship with the Lord.
At the same time, the marriage relationship is a parallel with our relationship with Christ and is supposed to teach us about that relationship, when it is operating as it should. That’s why Paul said, “This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church” (Ephesians 5:32), right in the middle of his discussion of the marriage relationship.
Of we accept that the story of the Song of Solomon is a love story, we then see that it contains actors. Specifically, there is the husband, the wife, a chorus, called “the daughters of Jerusalem” who act as the narrators, and God. There is only one short passage in the story which is attributed to God, not even an entire verse.
Eat, O friends! Drink, yes, drink deeply, O beloved ones!” – Song of Solomon 5:1d
It is no wonder that we have trouble understanding these words, as they don’t really say anything clearly. On the surface, it sounds like they are having a drunken party and God is cheering them on. Yet that would go against other verses in the Bible, which talk about the dangers of drinking and especially of getting drunk.
Experts in the Song of Solomon, who both understand it in the original language and have an understanding of the original culture see this verse quite differently. It must be taken in the context of the full story to gain this understanding. But in the story, the couple had just made love for the first time, on their wedding night. God appears and cheers them on, telling them to “drink deeply” or to fully enjoy their sexual relationship to the max.
This is God’s attitude towards sex within marriage, as we also saw in Hebrews 13:4, where the first part of the verse says, “Marriage is honorable in all, and the bed undefiled…” In other words, the writer of Hebrews, inspired by the Holy Spirit, has said that a married couple is free to fully enjoy the sexual part of their relationship to the fullest, in any way they so choose, within the privacy of their own bedroom. Nothing they do together is seen by God as sin.
That is clearly a very positive view of sexual intimacy, not a negative one. So, while God can be said to be negative about sex outside of marriage, He is that way because of the potential damage it can cause us. However, when sex is limited to the marriage covenant, God is not only in favor of anything the couple wants to do, He is there cheering them on. God wants us to enjoy the sexual part of our marriages; that’s why He created it as something enjoyable. He knows that when we enjoy sex together as man and wife, that it will bind us together, making the marriage stronger.